I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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