i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
