hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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