You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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