he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
