Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
