Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
