It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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