YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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