Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So many bounce houses so little time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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