Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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