ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
