At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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