i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
