she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
