just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
