the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
