Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
