Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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