I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
