its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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