I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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