he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
