My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
