shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
