Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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