So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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