He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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