I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
