quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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