Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
