i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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