bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
