Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
