so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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