My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
