You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
