Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
