Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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