Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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