It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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