I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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