Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
