What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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