she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
