I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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