Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
