if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
