so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
