Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
