I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
