Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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