I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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