I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
